With the amount of self-improvement books out there I am pleasantly surprised about just how inept people are at the dating game. Being straight, I only talk for the heterosexual population of course. On current evidence, we heterosexuals are really, really bad at opening up and sharing. At any rate, we European heterosexuals are no good when it comes to sharing feelings. Of late, I’ ve simplified my entire life no end. In the last few years I stumbled upon a five step procedure to dating so simple and obvious it’ s a wonder more people haven’ t tripped over it. I write from the male viewpoint but this is equally applicable in order to women. One prerequisite before starting would be to leave your fear and ego at home.
THE FIVE STEP PROCESS:
- Find out a little bit about the person you’ re interested in. For those who have absolutely no shared interests, leave worry and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. If however you have at least some shared interests, proceed to step two.
- Get over your shyness and look for opportunities to engage her in discussion. If she bores you to tears or everything she says makes your blood boil, leave worry and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. If you enjoy talking to her at least some of the time, proceed to step three.
- Invite her out for several social activity. If you make the establishing of this tentative date too neutral you’ re sending out the wrong transmission and making more work for yourself further down the line. This is no time to accommodate fear of rejection. If she tells you her diary is completely full, keep fear and ego out of the formula and accept her explanations graciously. Smile knowingly and let her know she can call you when (not if) her plans change. She may well call, but your job is done so proceed no further. If she immediately agrees to a date, proceed to step four.
- Talk during the date but more importantly, listen. Pay attention to her. Listen to her. Listen to her. Listen not just to what she says but how she says this. Listen to her body language, her opinions. Don’ t agree with everything the lady says just to be agreeable. Watching how she deals with perceived criticism and disagreement is part of the hearing process. If you start hearing security alarm bells, leave fear and ego out of the equation and proceed no further. However physically attractive she actually is, remember, there are plenty more fish within the sea. If you end the evening having a sense of wanting to see her again, proceed to step five.
- To make an omelette, at some point you have to break eggs. In order to date, you have to date, therefore date her, date her and date her again. Finally remember that nobody, least of all you, is perfect. Leave fear and ego at home when appraising how well you match up as a couple.
Now provided you heeded the initial advice to keep fear and ego at home you should have boosted your odds of ending up inside a meaningful relationship. Unfortunately many can date women who are wrong for them and who they are wrong for through fear of scarcity. And yet the world contains large amount of charming, beautiful, intelligent ladies. There are also ego-drunk men who won’ t take no for an answer for fear of dented pride. As soon as you get accustomed to leaving fear and ego out of the equation, even if a woman you approach with the utmost care and consideration tells you to drop dead, you might breathe and let it pass. An adult appraisal of the situation should inform you that when you continue to pursue a woman who brazenly disrespects you as being a fellow human you are sending out a sign that it’ s okay for her to behave that way. Rather you should politely explain that to your knowledge, showing interest in a woman is not listed as a crime in the penal program code. Explain that when uninterested in a man, the courteous thing for her to do is certainly tell him so politely in the first instance and only become rude if the unwanted interest continues. Then with a smile, depart.
If in spite of her rudeness, through your persistence the two of you find yourself together, all I can do would be to offer you my condolences for the addictive, co-dependent relationship you’ ve constructed for yourself. The way you start a relationship pieces the tone for the duration of that relationship therefore the shortcuts you take on the inception will come back to haunt you. Better to put in the hard work at the start and start as you mean to go on.
Remember, show some gumption and a woman who initially terminated you might well become your finest fan. So long as she isn’ t one of those women in search of the fragile stereotype of the tough guy, your own prayers might well have been answered. In the event that however she turns out to be the girl from the movie Grease who is looking for the all-form-and-no-content, leather-clad biker, leave fear and ego at home and proceed no further .
Mogbolahan Koya-Oyagbola is the author of the short story, “ Seafood Pasta” which appears in the anthology – Weaverbird Selection: New Fiction from Nigeria 08.
His book which is now available on amazon. com, “ Some White English Women I’ ve Almost Known” deals with the pitfalls of dating.